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NchantedNght16
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Name: Faye
Country: United States
State: New York
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing poems, poetry, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Pablo Neruda, Robert Frost, listening to music, my guitar, piano, flute, psychology, sociology, art, sleeping, ballet, crayons, colors, pink, red, sitting in a dark room while looking out the window, skylights,gerberas (favorite flowers), city lights, brooklyn bridge, good dreams, movies, big porches, balconies, castles...
Bands: Nirvana, Brand new, Linkin Park, Taking Back Sunday, Story of the Year,Yellowcard, Cold play, Fuel, Switchfoot, Evanescence, Thrice, Smile Empty Soul, Chevelle, Dashboard Confessional, Rancid, Alkaline Trio, The Distillers, Thursday, Finch, Vertical Horizon, Incubus, AFI, The Vines, Jet, My Chemical Romance, Green Day....Song artists: Alanis Morisette, Sarah Maclachlan, Michelle Branch, Chantal Kreviazuk
Expertise: Sleeping, playing dead, playing guitar (not really an expert but hope to become one), being lazy in my room, staying indoors, being pessimistic and cynical, being a hopeless romantic, crying on the inside, acting emo, not talking
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/14/2002
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| A few months ago, I realized how I've always admired one thing about being human. I wondered how humans are able to cope and adjust to any new, life-threatening situation, regardless of the severity of the issue. Most people are capable of surviving through a plethora of hardships...through death, through long-term illnesses, abandonment, loss of finance, loss of relationships, etc. It looks so easy on the surface of things. It looks so easy to cope through the eyes of a stranger. But when you experience it yourself, it is completely different from how it looks on the surface.
I wonder how often people have contemplated ending their lives because they don't think they can cope with a detrimental change in their lives. I'll admit it, I've contemplated an early termination of my life. But there are so many people who wake up every morning and wonder how can they have possibly lived through another night. I wonder that myself. But we keep going, nonetheless. Nonetheless, we get out of bed, brush our teeth, put some clothes on, and head out the door to fulfill our daily responsibilities whether it's going to school, going to work, running errands... And the cycle repeats itself.
The passage of time is the only conceptual coping mechanism I can think of. As people always says "time heals all wounds." I don't think it heals "all" wounds but it does help sedate you and help you forget a little pain. Right now I am waiting for the passage of time...I'm praying that my heart isn't as deeply scarred as I feel it is now. I'm hoping I can eventually get my life back on track soon because right now, I've derailed. I've been trying to run away from my thoughts, my pain...looking for all possible distractions, even if the distractions aren't exactly the most benign, advantageous for me. Besides continuing going to work, I haven't been able to focus on anything else...so I look for outlets. I have not learned how to cope. People say I'm already doing it but my heart feels differently.
So how do people do it? How do cancer patients deal with going through chemotherapy and being away from their families? How do people deal with getting a divorce after being with their spouse for 20 years? How do people deal with the death of their best friend? Grief is bountiful, overwhelming...it really can devour you but we all cope with it in our own ways. I guess I will just have to keep on living.
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| It's ironic what I wrote on my last entry. About my relationship "tearing me apart." Next day, he broke up with me. The irony? I still want to be with him. I think I killed the relationship. I started all the arguments. I was too dependent. I ruined us. Meanwhile, he was more level-headed. We had different perceptions of things. But I believe that I can change how I am and I believe I am more understanding. But he doesn't want me back. He doesn't think we can be fixed. I've made him miserable. I think I was the one making myself miserable in the relationship. I was overdramatic, I lacked mental and emotional stability. Now I lost the person I love who will always have a part of me that I can never get back. I feel so broken, so shattered. It's so hard to live every day, to even breathe...being smothered by pain. I wish I could've changed things but I can't. I know I need to let him go and accept the reality of the situation. But it's too difficult, especially when I believe that he could've been the one for me.
How do I cope? When will I ever get better?
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| "My Skin" (Song by Natalie Merchant)
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
I just discovered this extraordinarily beautiful song a few minutes ago and it describes exactly how I've been feeling over the last few months. I find myself falling deeper and deeper into an abysmal hole that I can't get out of. My relationship is tearing apart, it's tearing me apart and I don't know if I'll ever be loved. Giving my heart was never enough. I should've known that it wouldn't be taken care of in the hands of the wrong person. Who will ever protect me?
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| Do you hate how people ruminate over and over about things that bother them?
Well I'm an internal ruminator. I keep it silent as much as possible.
I'm going to ruminate here today.
The so-called boyfriend is on a 3 week vacation since July19th heading to Israel for 10 days and then 7 days in London, England. He's already done with the Israel trip. Now in London. I know he's having the time of his life, which is great for him but that's not what I'm ruminating over.
I'm ruminating over how he couldn't have the decency to buy a 2 dollar phone card or however much it costs now to call me, even on my 23rd birthday, which he just missed. He instead write's the most friend-written facebook message for me:
happy birthday!! wish i could be there! hope you have a wonderful day and i'll see you soonI guess that means he wishes he could be there on my bday...same thing what my friend said to me since he's in Asia. He e-mailed me a few times too...couldn't even say "Love you" on a fucking e-mail. What a waste of 1.5 years of my life. And a waste of a month waiting for this loser to come back.
But this is still not the true rumination I'm experiencing...
I've found out from a friend that this so-called boyfriend of mine was planning to break up with me if he met someone in Israel. In addition, he knows he would definitely never marry me. Back in December, 2 months before our 1 year anniversary, he said to my friend that he and I were not serious. He was flirting with her.
I found myself ruminating over this again last night after coming home with a couple of drinks in my stomach and fatigue and dizziness hitting me. Usually at the end of the night is when the depressant part of the alcohol hits me. When it hit me...I thought..."Fuck, not this" How can he do this to me? I've been nothing but a great gf who's always been affectionate and caring. So I cried myself to sleep again...
I woke up this morning still feeling the grief in the pit of my stomach. I haven't ruminated over the past 2 weeks because I was convincing myself otherwise and keeping myself as busy and occupied as possible to avoid the physical and internal rumination.
Last night, I failed myself.
He's coming back next Friday...probably going to tell us the time of his life he had...while I was working my ass off full time without a single real vacation taken for abbout 2 years...somewhere that I can go away for a least a week. I don't hate him for going. It is an opportunity of a life time. But it's living with what he may have actually done there.....sleeping around? Flirting? who knows...maybe he found some Jewish wife and will return back home telling me he's done with me.
Rumination sucks....playing the whole situation over and over in my head. Damn I might as well just bleed myself to death at this point.
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| I consistently go back and fourth with the first 4 stages in no sort of order. I can never ever reach stage 5. Everything in my life right now revolves around grief and I can't find ways to mend the pain sitting heavily in my heart.
So here are some personal situations I'm going to spew out that has caused me great amounts of grief:
1) Death of my grandmother on Sept. 29th 1998
2) Loss of my once best friend/ cousin since she started dating her internet boyfriends
3) My terrible relationship with my grandmother (mother's side) since childhood
4) Loss of my once best friend Cindy, who I knew from JHS
5) Loss of the sister I once knew who cared about me and now hates me for reasons that are completely trivial and the realization that she knows nothing about me.
6) My mother being laid off recently and now unemployed, who's income my immediate family depends on for mortgage, bills, food, and shelter
7) My extended family- they are the most fallacious, selfish, cold-hearted people I know
8) My personality creating my own demise in the social world, thus further augmenting my low self-esteem
9) Realizing that my current bf had said things behind my back, which shows that he doesn't really love me. And him saying certain things to me that shows that he truly doesn't want to be with me, not even in the perceived future.
10) Breaking up with my last bf and having to endure all the pain I had to endure while missing the romance we once had. He was someone I had imagined marrying once upon a time.
11) My childhood friends left me after we transitioned to a new school
12) Always having to be the one who never gets noticed for the amount of work I put into things
13) Not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it the most
14) Never being the person that someone thinks of as a true best friend
15) Having friendships that grew more distant, while having to schedule dates to meet up for sporadic dinners. Friends that become so immersed in their lives...not enough to care about anyone else.
16) Never getting to say goodbye to my grandfather one last time before he died in Jan 2000.
17) Losing my escape outlets when I have moments like these, which leads me to swallow my sorrows alone and cry my heart heart.
There's much more but those are the main situations that have caused me to cycle around the first 4 stages of grief.
When will I finally accept life as it is, all splattered, enmeshed with loneliness?
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